After today...

...don't you DARE infringe on my right to defend my property, my home and my family.

OK, here is the thing.

I am not a racist because I don't like Obama and didn't vote for him. I have nothing against the color of his skin. I think he is a student of socialism and hates America so much that he would see it destroyed in a matter of four years. And here is one for you, I didn't even vote for McCain!

I am not a racist because I think ALL illegal immigrants (not just Mexicans) should be sent back to their home land and made to come here legally. My family is descended from people that immigrated from Europe and the Mediterranean in the early part of the 20th century. They had to adapt to survive and had no problem becoming "American." My sisters nanny was from Jamaica and made the effort to become a legal US citizen. The day she took the oath of citizenship was the happiest day of her life. And isn't it ironic that the countries illegal immigrants come from have tougher immigration laws then we do??

And on these two items let me note that throughout my life and to this day I have had friends and acquaintances of several different races and ethnic backgrounds and never have I looked down on or felt superior to them.

I voted for and support Chris Christie in his efforts to fix the state of New Jersey. I think the NJEA needs to suck it up and jump on the wagon and deal with budget cuts like every other institution in the state whose budget was cut is. It is a crime when a hard working couple that paid off their mortgage four years early have to worry about not being able to pay their taxes because our government can't exercise fiscal responsibility and instead further taxes the private citizen when they feel they need more money.

I only became a Republican/Libertarian because of the childish behavior of the Democratic party and how they have squandered their power since gaining a majority control 5 or 6 years ago. I also turned my back on the Democratic party when I realized they would force me to support every free loading schmuck in the country. I have no problem with organizations that help those in need but it should be help for those who have fallen on hard times, not those who know how to work the system to get everything I have to work for for free or just refuse to earn a damn thing. I cringed at the constant unemployment extensions that kept getting past but now that I am unemployed and dealing with a collapsing economy, I understand why they did it. I also have no problem proving that I am looking for a job. And I have no problem giving my time or money to the better good of humanity but don't you dare force me to by squandering my tax dollars on a bunch of good for nothing freeloaders!

I believe things like Affirmative Action and the ACLU were originally and once good ideas but have become the exact abominations they sought out to prevent. When you get to a point where your purpose begins to benefit one group in particular and cares about ones freedoms over those of others (especially when it is the same right and freedom) you have failed and should find another line of work.

I shudder at where our country is going. I firmly believe we are headed towards either another civil war or (hopefully) a revolution. But I am so tired of keeping quiet while the other side throWs a tantrum and whines and cries and screams and gets their way. Enough is enough!

This world can be a cold...uncertain...lonely place. No one should have to wander through it alone. That's why it is important to look past the little things and see the big picture. If you find someone you care about don't let anything come between you.

I would never wish on anyone what I am dealing with now. That being said I wish people would understand that when you are in my situation, you can't live a normal life until things get back to normal. I appreciate people telling me I can come visit to get away for a little while but when you can't afford to put gas in your car, how the hell are you supposed to get away? And if I can't afford to put gas in my car how am I supposed to afford going out to eat or get a couple of drinks when I visit you?

I am trying to figure out what went wrong. I used to have a ton of people that I considered friends. People I could count on. People I thought would be there for me when I needed it. Now I am down to maybe a handful of close friends that keep in touch. The rest don't seem to care. And ones I thought I could count on just don't seem to have the time for me. I am at a point where I have to stay where I am until I find work to get myself back on my feet. After that I am gone, finding a new place for a REAL new start in life (can you say Newport??). And everyone that didn't have time for me...I am sorry, this is your loss, not mine.

Not really much going on. Don't know where I left off. First my dad didn't get the job in Plattsburgh. Very disappointing. I had hoped God was holding out for us to get the outcome until Christmas...you know, something that would make our Christmas a little happier (he interviewed for the job in October, was supposed to hear by Thanksgiving, a week before Thanksgiving they say they are still interviewing people and finally they respond to a third e-mail of his around the end of December with "Sorry we offered it to someone else"). No such luck. Fuck you SUNY Plattsburgh, I didn't want to move to your beautiful mountain region anyway.

Um, we now live next to an abandoned home. I mentioned that our next door neighbor was having trouble paying the mortgage so they put the house up for sale. Well it wasn't selling and they weren't getting any interested parties. So about a month ago they decided to move to the third floor of one of their sister's homes. I guess at one point they tried to give it to the bank and the bank wouldn't take it because they owed more then it was worth. So they decided to turn off the gas and water and walk away. Literally packed up a U-Haul and left. It's weird, sitting outside at night smoking a cig and staring at this empty house that someone has lived in since I was a baby. And of course it puts us on edge because now we have to worry about squatters moving in or someone breaking in and stripping the place of anything valuable or who knows what.

I did the initial application for the Master's in Military History program at AMU. I will be concentrating in WWII and going the comprehensive exam route although that may change if I can come up with a thesis (I do have something in mind though it's not so much a thesis as it is a biography). I can't start right away though because when I went to do the FAFSA in order to get money for the current school year I had to provide my 2008 tax information which I don't have easily accessible. So I filed for the 2010-11 school year. In the mean time though I might pay the money out of pocket to take a preliminary research methods in history course.

I haven't been really looking for another job since I made the decision to go back to school. I know deep down I don't have it in me to work a full time job and go to school at the same time. I know I need to get out and at least find a part time job.

On that note I spent several hours tonight registering with various career centers through web sites including NAIS, higheredjobs.com and a couple others plus I know of a couple more I am going to look at tomorrow. I do this because yes I wish I was still working and not home playing referee (though when you started working at age ten, a little break doesn't hurt) and while I wasn't happy with the way things were being run at the farm I never would have walked away from a job unless I had something else lined up. I am doing this more because I know very shortly I am going to have to prove to unemployment that I am not some deadbeat that is looking to live off the government for the rest of my life.

Speaking of referee...I don't know how much longer I can keep my anger and frustration with my parents bottled up. Almost 33 fucking years of marriage and we are still dealing with the same petty bullshit. Mostly my dad which is kind of understandable (depression, anxiety, frustration, tired of struggling, and being unemployed for almost a year, what he saw growing up) but I hate that he talks to my sister about not knowing what to do for my mom and her mental/emotional problems when everything he does is the exact opposite of what he should do. Christ after his heart attack he really turned things around only to go back to the same old Ken Grenci in the last few months. And my mom, christ I have never met another person who can take advice and take advice and do NOTHING with it. I tell her time and time again what she should do to deal with my dad and how to avoid his tantrums and attitude but does she do it? NO! Does she think before she makes a comment like "First I need you to move out of the way" when she should say "Ken, can you please move I need to get at the sink." No, she gets mad because she thinks he purposefully stepped in front of her before she even picked up the counter mat to shake out the crumbs so he could put some stuff in the dishwasher and close it.

And the whole extended family drama keeps playing out. My uncle, my mom's older brother, is a douche. I have realized he has to be one of the most uncaring people I have ever met. I wish I had money, enough to give and live comfortable for ever and never have to worry but I know money can't fix everything. My uncle seems to think that throwing money at a problem will fix it when being a FAMILY would work so much better. Same thing with my other uncle, my mom's younger brother. I think I mentioned that a few months ago. It's recently come out that the marriage between my aunt and uncle that I thought was a story book romance is anything but. And I am sad to think that my aunt who I thought was one of the strongest, most independent women I had ever met is anything but. I would kill myself if I ever did to someone what my uncle did to her. As sad and angry I am over what has happened to my aunt, I can't help but be frustrated when I listen to my aunt talk to my mom about how she was treated and see my mom offer her support and an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on just to realize that that is how my mom was treated and in some respects is still treated and she had no one to talk to.

Ugh, I don't know...

So I had a dream last night that I was finally going to say my feelings out loud. But of course right before I woke up I changed the subject in my dream. Figures...