Sunday, February 21, 2010
I am trying to figure out what went wrong. I used to have a ton of people that I considered friends. People I could count on. People I thought would be there for me when I needed it. Now I am down to maybe a handful of close friends that keep in touch. The rest don't seem to care. And ones I thought I could count on just don't seem to have the time for me. I am at a point where I have to stay where I am until I find work to get myself back on my feet. After that I am gone, finding a new place for a REAL new start in life (can you say Newport??). And everyone that didn't have time for me...I am sorry, this is your loss, not mine.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Not really much going on. Don't know where I left off. First my dad didn't get the job in Plattsburgh. Very disappointing. I had hoped God was holding out for us to get the outcome until Christmas...you know, something that would make our Christmas a little happier (he interviewed for the job in October, was supposed to hear by Thanksgiving, a week before Thanksgiving they say they are still interviewing people and finally they respond to a third e-mail of his around the end of December with "Sorry we offered it to someone else"). No such luck. Fuck you SUNY Plattsburgh, I didn't want to move to your beautiful mountain region anyway.
Um, we now live next to an abandoned home. I mentioned that our next door neighbor was having trouble paying the mortgage so they put the house up for sale. Well it wasn't selling and they weren't getting any interested parties. So about a month ago they decided to move to the third floor of one of their sister's homes. I guess at one point they tried to give it to the bank and the bank wouldn't take it because they owed more then it was worth. So they decided to turn off the gas and water and walk away. Literally packed up a U-Haul and left. It's weird, sitting outside at night smoking a cig and staring at this empty house that someone has lived in since I was a baby. And of course it puts us on edge because now we have to worry about squatters moving in or someone breaking in and stripping the place of anything valuable or who knows what.
I did the initial application for the Master's in Military History program at AMU. I will be concentrating in WWII and going the comprehensive exam route although that may change if I can come up with a thesis (I do have something in mind though it's not so much a thesis as it is a biography). I can't start right away though because when I went to do the FAFSA in order to get money for the current school year I had to provide my 2008 tax information which I don't have easily accessible. So I filed for the 2010-11 school year. In the mean time though I might pay the money out of pocket to take a preliminary research methods in history course.
I haven't been really looking for another job since I made the decision to go back to school. I know deep down I don't have it in me to work a full time job and go to school at the same time. I know I need to get out and at least find a part time job.
On that note I spent several hours tonight registering with various career centers through web sites including NAIS, higheredjobs.com and a couple others plus I know of a couple more I am going to look at tomorrow. I do this because yes I wish I was still working and not home playing referee (though when you started working at age ten, a little break doesn't hurt) and while I wasn't happy with the way things were being run at the farm I never would have walked away from a job unless I had something else lined up. I am doing this more because I know very shortly I am going to have to prove to unemployment that I am not some deadbeat that is looking to live off the government for the rest of my life.
Speaking of referee...I don't know how much longer I can keep my anger and frustration with my parents bottled up. Almost 33 fucking years of marriage and we are still dealing with the same petty bullshit. Mostly my dad which is kind of understandable (depression, anxiety, frustration, tired of struggling, and being unemployed for almost a year, what he saw growing up) but I hate that he talks to my sister about not knowing what to do for my mom and her mental/emotional problems when everything he does is the exact opposite of what he should do. Christ after his heart attack he really turned things around only to go back to the same old Ken Grenci in the last few months. And my mom, christ I have never met another person who can take advice and take advice and do NOTHING with it. I tell her time and time again what she should do to deal with my dad and how to avoid his tantrums and attitude but does she do it? NO! Does she think before she makes a comment like "First I need you to move out of the way" when she should say "Ken, can you please move I need to get at the sink." No, she gets mad because she thinks he purposefully stepped in front of her before she even picked up the counter mat to shake out the crumbs so he could put some stuff in the dishwasher and close it.
And the whole extended family drama keeps playing out. My uncle, my mom's older brother, is a douche. I have realized he has to be one of the most uncaring people I have ever met. I wish I had money, enough to give and live comfortable for ever and never have to worry but I know money can't fix everything. My uncle seems to think that throwing money at a problem will fix it when being a FAMILY would work so much better. Same thing with my other uncle, my mom's younger brother. I think I mentioned that a few months ago. It's recently come out that the marriage between my aunt and uncle that I thought was a story book romance is anything but. And I am sad to think that my aunt who I thought was one of the strongest, most independent women I had ever met is anything but. I would kill myself if I ever did to someone what my uncle did to her. As sad and angry I am over what has happened to my aunt, I can't help but be frustrated when I listen to my aunt talk to my mom about how she was treated and see my mom offer her support and an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on just to realize that that is how my mom was treated and in some respects is still treated and she had no one to talk to.
Ugh, I don't know...
Um, we now live next to an abandoned home. I mentioned that our next door neighbor was having trouble paying the mortgage so they put the house up for sale. Well it wasn't selling and they weren't getting any interested parties. So about a month ago they decided to move to the third floor of one of their sister's homes. I guess at one point they tried to give it to the bank and the bank wouldn't take it because they owed more then it was worth. So they decided to turn off the gas and water and walk away. Literally packed up a U-Haul and left. It's weird, sitting outside at night smoking a cig and staring at this empty house that someone has lived in since I was a baby. And of course it puts us on edge because now we have to worry about squatters moving in or someone breaking in and stripping the place of anything valuable or who knows what.
I did the initial application for the Master's in Military History program at AMU. I will be concentrating in WWII and going the comprehensive exam route although that may change if I can come up with a thesis (I do have something in mind though it's not so much a thesis as it is a biography). I can't start right away though because when I went to do the FAFSA in order to get money for the current school year I had to provide my 2008 tax information which I don't have easily accessible. So I filed for the 2010-11 school year. In the mean time though I might pay the money out of pocket to take a preliminary research methods in history course.
I haven't been really looking for another job since I made the decision to go back to school. I know deep down I don't have it in me to work a full time job and go to school at the same time. I know I need to get out and at least find a part time job.
On that note I spent several hours tonight registering with various career centers through web sites including NAIS, higheredjobs.com and a couple others plus I know of a couple more I am going to look at tomorrow. I do this because yes I wish I was still working and not home playing referee (though when you started working at age ten, a little break doesn't hurt) and while I wasn't happy with the way things were being run at the farm I never would have walked away from a job unless I had something else lined up. I am doing this more because I know very shortly I am going to have to prove to unemployment that I am not some deadbeat that is looking to live off the government for the rest of my life.
Speaking of referee...I don't know how much longer I can keep my anger and frustration with my parents bottled up. Almost 33 fucking years of marriage and we are still dealing with the same petty bullshit. Mostly my dad which is kind of understandable (depression, anxiety, frustration, tired of struggling, and being unemployed for almost a year, what he saw growing up) but I hate that he talks to my sister about not knowing what to do for my mom and her mental/emotional problems when everything he does is the exact opposite of what he should do. Christ after his heart attack he really turned things around only to go back to the same old Ken Grenci in the last few months. And my mom, christ I have never met another person who can take advice and take advice and do NOTHING with it. I tell her time and time again what she should do to deal with my dad and how to avoid his tantrums and attitude but does she do it? NO! Does she think before she makes a comment like "First I need you to move out of the way" when she should say "Ken, can you please move I need to get at the sink." No, she gets mad because she thinks he purposefully stepped in front of her before she even picked up the counter mat to shake out the crumbs so he could put some stuff in the dishwasher and close it.
And the whole extended family drama keeps playing out. My uncle, my mom's older brother, is a douche. I have realized he has to be one of the most uncaring people I have ever met. I wish I had money, enough to give and live comfortable for ever and never have to worry but I know money can't fix everything. My uncle seems to think that throwing money at a problem will fix it when being a FAMILY would work so much better. Same thing with my other uncle, my mom's younger brother. I think I mentioned that a few months ago. It's recently come out that the marriage between my aunt and uncle that I thought was a story book romance is anything but. And I am sad to think that my aunt who I thought was one of the strongest, most independent women I had ever met is anything but. I would kill myself if I ever did to someone what my uncle did to her. As sad and angry I am over what has happened to my aunt, I can't help but be frustrated when I listen to my aunt talk to my mom about how she was treated and see my mom offer her support and an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on just to realize that that is how my mom was treated and in some respects is still treated and she had no one to talk to.
Ugh, I don't know...
Monday, January 4, 2010
New Year's Resolution #1
Valentine's Day...I am going out with someone. It doesn't have to be a romantic date but for the first time in god knows how long I want to have plans with someone of the opposite sex that day.
Friday, December 18, 2009
My family has never been the kind of family to freak out over a storm. Only on a few occasions have there been storms that made it impossible to get anywhere if you needed something (Hurricane Floyd for one, another tropical storm that resulted in almost every road out of Plainfield being partially or fully flooded). So it was weird that I said to my mom today "We better go to the store now before the storm hits." And I only said that cause it had been a week since we food shopped and contrary to my dads attitude there wasn't enough food in the house if we can't get out till Monday.
So as I stated we never freaked out over a storm so we never jumped in the car and bought food like we were going to have to survive for two weeks. So it was rather interesting being at the grocery store tonight. It was packed more so then normal and people were just done right rude, especially those pushing carts. At one point I am standing off to the side while my mom went ahead because there was no room to squeeze the cart between the people online and the mom and three kids standing at the freezer picking out ice cream. So I was a little dumbfounded when three people decided to forge ahead of me with their carts. I am not the kind to confront people in public (it's just not something you do in Plainfield) but I was really tempted to blurt out "And where the hell do you think you are going to go?" Seriously, has our society dumbed down that much? I like to think of myself as an abstract thinker, it comes from studying psychology, sociology and the like. But I also think 3 dimensionally. If there is no where to go you might as well put it in park and wait for the path to clear....right??
Oh yea, and I backed into a pole today, while I was turned around to see what was behind me. What the hell is it with me and backing into things?? No damage to the car thank god, maybe a little paint transfer. That would have sucked, we are already down to two cars because dads is in the body shop for at least another two weeks.
So as I stated we never freaked out over a storm so we never jumped in the car and bought food like we were going to have to survive for two weeks. So it was rather interesting being at the grocery store tonight. It was packed more so then normal and people were just done right rude, especially those pushing carts. At one point I am standing off to the side while my mom went ahead because there was no room to squeeze the cart between the people online and the mom and three kids standing at the freezer picking out ice cream. So I was a little dumbfounded when three people decided to forge ahead of me with their carts. I am not the kind to confront people in public (it's just not something you do in Plainfield) but I was really tempted to blurt out "And where the hell do you think you are going to go?" Seriously, has our society dumbed down that much? I like to think of myself as an abstract thinker, it comes from studying psychology, sociology and the like. But I also think 3 dimensionally. If there is no where to go you might as well put it in park and wait for the path to clear....right??
Oh yea, and I backed into a pole today, while I was turned around to see what was behind me. What the hell is it with me and backing into things?? No damage to the car thank god, maybe a little paint transfer. That would have sucked, we are already down to two cars because dads is in the body shop for at least another two weeks.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Some selections from my favorite Christmas album
"A Baby Just Like You"
The season is upon us now
A time for gifts and giving
And as the year draws to its close
I think about my living
The Christmastime when I was young
The magic and the wonder
But colors dull and candles dim
And dark my standing under
Oh little angel, shining light
You've set my soul to dreaming
You've given back my joy in life
You' ve filled me with new meaning
A savior king was born that day
A baby just like you
And as the Magi came with gifts
I've come with my gift too
That peace on earth fills up your time
That brotherhood surrounds you
That you may know the warmth of love
And wrap it all around you
It's just a wish, a dream I'm told
From days when I was young
Merry Christmas little Zachary
Merry Christmas ev'ryone
Merry Christmas little Zachary
Merry Christmas ev'ryone
"The Peace Carol"
The garment of life, be it tattered and torn
The cloak of the soldier is withered and worn
But what child is this that was poverty-born
The peace of Christmas Day
The branch that bears the bright holly
The dove that rests in yonder tree
The light that shines for all to see
The peace of Christmas Day
The hope that has slumbered for 2000 years
The promise that silenced 1000 fears
A faith that can hobble an ocean of tears
The peace of Christmas Day
The branch that bears the bright holly
The dove that rests in yonder tree
The light that shines for all to see
The peace of Christmas Day
Add all the grief that people may bear
Total the strife, the troubles and care
Put them in columns and leave them right there
The peace of Christmas Day
The branch that bears the bright holly
The dove that rests in yonder tree
The light that shines for all to see
The peace of Christmas Day
The branch that bears the bright holly
The dove that rests in yonder tree
The light that shines for all to see
The peace of Christmas Day
"Noel: Christmas Eve 1913"
A frosty Christmas Eve, when the stars where shining
I traveled for the home, where westward falls the hill
And for many, many a village, in the darkness of the valley
Distant music reached me, peels of bells were ringing.
Then spread my thoughts to olden times, to that first of Christmases
When shepherds who were watching, heard music in the fields
And they sat there and they marveled, and they knew they could not tell
Whether it were angels, or the bright stars a-singing
But to me heard a far, it was starry music
The singing of the angels, the comfort of our Lord
Words of old that come a traveling, by the riches of the times
And I softly listened, as I stood upon the hill
And I softly listened, as I stood upon the hill
"Alfie: The Christmas Tree"
(spoken)
Did you ever hear the story of the Christmas Tree
Who just didn't want to change the show
He liked living in the woods and playing with squirrels
He liked icicles and snow.
He liked wolves and eagles and grizzly bears
And critters and creatures that crawled
Why bugs were some of his very best friends
Spiders and ants and all.
Now that's not to say that he ever looked down
On the vision of twinkling lights
Or on mirrored bubbles and peppermint canes
And a thousand other delights
And he often had dreams of tiny reindeer
And a jolly old man and a sleigh full of toys
And presents and wonderful things
And the story of Christmas Day
Oh, Alfie believed in Christmas all right
He was full of Christmas cheer
All of each and every day
And all throughout the year
To him it was more than a special time
Much more than a special day
It was more than a beautiful story
It was a special kind of way
You see, some folks have never heard a jingle bell ring
And they've never heard of Santa Claus
They've never heard the story of the son of God
And that made Alfie pause.
Did that mean that they'd never know of peace on earth
Or the brotherhood of man
Or know how to love, or know how to give
If they can't...no one can.
You see, life is a very special kind of thing
Not just for a chosen few
But for each and every living breathing thing
Not just me and you
So in your Christmas prayers this year
Alfie asked me if I'd ask you
Say a prayer for the wind, and the water, and the wood
And those who live there, too.
"It's In Every One of Us"
It's In Every one of us to be Wise
Find your heart,
Open up both your eyes.
We can all know everything
Without ever knowing why
It's in every one of us, by and by
It's In Every one of us to be Wise
Find your heart, Open up both your eyes.
We can all know everything
Without ever knowing why
It's in every one of us, by and by
By and by.
"John Denver and The Muppets, A Christmas Together"
The season is upon us now
A time for gifts and giving
And as the year draws to its close
I think about my living
The Christmastime when I was young
The magic and the wonder
But colors dull and candles dim
And dark my standing under
Oh little angel, shining light
You've set my soul to dreaming
You've given back my joy in life
You' ve filled me with new meaning
A savior king was born that day
A baby just like you
And as the Magi came with gifts
I've come with my gift too
That peace on earth fills up your time
That brotherhood surrounds you
That you may know the warmth of love
And wrap it all around you
It's just a wish, a dream I'm told
From days when I was young
Merry Christmas little Zachary
Merry Christmas ev'ryone
Merry Christmas little Zachary
Merry Christmas ev'ryone
"The Peace Carol"
The garment of life, be it tattered and torn
The cloak of the soldier is withered and worn
But what child is this that was poverty-born
The peace of Christmas Day
The branch that bears the bright holly
The dove that rests in yonder tree
The light that shines for all to see
The peace of Christmas Day
The hope that has slumbered for 2000 years
The promise that silenced 1000 fears
A faith that can hobble an ocean of tears
The peace of Christmas Day
The branch that bears the bright holly
The dove that rests in yonder tree
The light that shines for all to see
The peace of Christmas Day
Add all the grief that people may bear
Total the strife, the troubles and care
Put them in columns and leave them right there
The peace of Christmas Day
The branch that bears the bright holly
The dove that rests in yonder tree
The light that shines for all to see
The peace of Christmas Day
The branch that bears the bright holly
The dove that rests in yonder tree
The light that shines for all to see
The peace of Christmas Day
"Noel: Christmas Eve 1913"
A frosty Christmas Eve, when the stars where shining
I traveled for the home, where westward falls the hill
And for many, many a village, in the darkness of the valley
Distant music reached me, peels of bells were ringing.
Then spread my thoughts to olden times, to that first of Christmases
When shepherds who were watching, heard music in the fields
And they sat there and they marveled, and they knew they could not tell
Whether it were angels, or the bright stars a-singing
But to me heard a far, it was starry music
The singing of the angels, the comfort of our Lord
Words of old that come a traveling, by the riches of the times
And I softly listened, as I stood upon the hill
And I softly listened, as I stood upon the hill
"Alfie: The Christmas Tree"
(spoken)
Did you ever hear the story of the Christmas Tree
Who just didn't want to change the show
He liked living in the woods and playing with squirrels
He liked icicles and snow.
He liked wolves and eagles and grizzly bears
And critters and creatures that crawled
Why bugs were some of his very best friends
Spiders and ants and all.
Now that's not to say that he ever looked down
On the vision of twinkling lights
Or on mirrored bubbles and peppermint canes
And a thousand other delights
And he often had dreams of tiny reindeer
And a jolly old man and a sleigh full of toys
And presents and wonderful things
And the story of Christmas Day
Oh, Alfie believed in Christmas all right
He was full of Christmas cheer
All of each and every day
And all throughout the year
To him it was more than a special time
Much more than a special day
It was more than a beautiful story
It was a special kind of way
You see, some folks have never heard a jingle bell ring
And they've never heard of Santa Claus
They've never heard the story of the son of God
And that made Alfie pause.
Did that mean that they'd never know of peace on earth
Or the brotherhood of man
Or know how to love, or know how to give
If they can't...no one can.
You see, life is a very special kind of thing
Not just for a chosen few
But for each and every living breathing thing
Not just me and you
So in your Christmas prayers this year
Alfie asked me if I'd ask you
Say a prayer for the wind, and the water, and the wood
And those who live there, too.
"It's In Every One of Us"
It's In Every one of us to be Wise
Find your heart,
Open up both your eyes.
We can all know everything
Without ever knowing why
It's in every one of us, by and by
It's In Every one of us to be Wise
Find your heart, Open up both your eyes.
We can all know everything
Without ever knowing why
It's in every one of us, by and by
By and by.
"John Denver and The Muppets, A Christmas Together"
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
If God invited us all to a table and told us to put our problems on the table before us and look at everyone's problems, we'd take our own and go home
In the weeks leading up to Thanksgiving I found myself dreading the inevitable question. What are you thankful for? It's not that I don't have things to be thankful for. I think it is just that I had to take a long hard look at my life.
With the cluster fuck that is my extended family these days I didn't think I could be thankful for family. But I think about the people that have welcomed us into their homes over the last couple of weeks and years when my own family choose to turn their backs on us. I realized that blood doesn't necessarily mean family.
I am thankful for friends. I am thankful for those that bother to give two shits. Difficult times are guaranteed to reveal to you one thing...who your real friends are. It is difficult knowing there are those that know I am back home and going through some hard times and haven't bothered to pick up the damn phone. But there are a few that I can count on when it matters.
I am thankful for my health. Even though there are times I look at myself in the mirror and hate what I see physically, I could be suffering from a rare form of cancer like my aunt's sister. But I am not.
And I am thankful for my sister. Without her sometimes I don't know what I would do. Without knowing it she gives me purpose.
With the cluster fuck that is my extended family these days I didn't think I could be thankful for family. But I think about the people that have welcomed us into their homes over the last couple of weeks and years when my own family choose to turn their backs on us. I realized that blood doesn't necessarily mean family.
I am thankful for friends. I am thankful for those that bother to give two shits. Difficult times are guaranteed to reveal to you one thing...who your real friends are. It is difficult knowing there are those that know I am back home and going through some hard times and haven't bothered to pick up the damn phone. But there are a few that I can count on when it matters.
I am thankful for my health. Even though there are times I look at myself in the mirror and hate what I see physically, I could be suffering from a rare form of cancer like my aunt's sister. But I am not.
And I am thankful for my sister. Without her sometimes I don't know what I would do. Without knowing it she gives me purpose.
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