So I had a dream last night that I was finally going to say my feelings out loud. But of course right before I woke up I changed the subject in my dream. Figures...

New Year's Resolution #1

Valentine's Day...I am going out with someone. It doesn't have to be a romantic date but for the first time in god knows how long I want to have plans with someone of the opposite sex that day.

My family has never been the kind of family to freak out over a storm. Only on a few occasions have there been storms that made it impossible to get anywhere if you needed something (Hurricane Floyd for one, another tropical storm that resulted in almost every road out of Plainfield being partially or fully flooded). So it was weird that I said to my mom today "We better go to the store now before the storm hits." And I only said that cause it had been a week since we food shopped and contrary to my dads attitude there wasn't enough food in the house if we can't get out till Monday.

So as I stated we never freaked out over a storm so we never jumped in the car and bought food like we were going to have to survive for two weeks. So it was rather interesting being at the grocery store tonight. It was packed more so then normal and people were just done right rude, especially those pushing carts. At one point I am standing off to the side while my mom went ahead because there was no room to squeeze the cart between the people online and the mom and three kids standing at the freezer picking out ice cream. So I was a little dumbfounded when three people decided to forge ahead of me with their carts. I am not the kind to confront people in public (it's just not something you do in Plainfield) but I was really tempted to blurt out "And where the hell do you think you are going to go?" Seriously, has our society dumbed down that much? I like to think of myself as an abstract thinker, it comes from studying psychology, sociology and the like. But I also think 3 dimensionally. If there is no where to go you might as well put it in park and wait for the path to clear....right??

Oh yea, and I backed into a pole today, while I was turned around to see what was behind me. What the hell is it with me and backing into things?? No damage to the car thank god, maybe a little paint transfer. That would have sucked, we are already down to two cars because dads is in the body shop for at least another two weeks.

Some selections from my favorite Christmas album

"A Baby Just Like You"
The season is upon us now
A time for gifts and giving
And as the year draws to its close
I think about my living

The Christmastime when I was young
The magic and the wonder
But colors dull and candles dim
And dark my standing under

Oh little angel, shining light
You've set my soul to dreaming
You've given back my joy in life
You' ve filled me with new meaning

A savior king was born that day
A baby just like you
And as the Magi came with gifts
I've come with my gift too

That peace on earth fills up your time
That brotherhood surrounds you
That you may know the warmth of love
And wrap it all around you

It's just a wish, a dream I'm told
From days when I was young
Merry Christmas little Zachary
Merry Christmas ev'ryone
Merry Christmas little Zachary
Merry Christmas ev'ryone

"The Peace Carol"
The garment of life, be it tattered and torn
The cloak of the soldier is withered and worn
But what child is this that was poverty-born
The peace of Christmas Day

The branch that bears the bright holly
The dove that rests in yonder tree
The light that shines for all to see
The peace of Christmas Day

The hope that has slumbered for 2000 years
The promise that silenced 1000 fears
A faith that can hobble an ocean of tears
The peace of Christmas Day

The branch that bears the bright holly
The dove that rests in yonder tree
The light that shines for all to see
The peace of Christmas Day

Add all the grief that people may bear
Total the strife, the troubles and care
Put them in columns and leave them right there
The peace of Christmas Day

The branch that bears the bright holly
The dove that rests in yonder tree
The light that shines for all to see
The peace of Christmas Day

The branch that bears the bright holly
The dove that rests in yonder tree
The light that shines for all to see
The peace of Christmas Day

"Noel: Christmas Eve 1913"
A frosty Christmas Eve, when the stars where shining
I traveled for the home, where westward falls the hill
And for many, many a village, in the darkness of the valley
Distant music reached me, peels of bells were ringing.

Then spread my thoughts to olden times, to that first of Christmases
When shepherds who were watching, heard music in the fields
And they sat there and they marveled, and they knew they could not tell
Whether it were angels, or the bright stars a-singing

But to me heard a far, it was starry music
The singing of the angels, the comfort of our Lord
Words of old that come a traveling, by the riches of the times
And I softly listened, as I stood upon the hill
And I softly listened, as I stood upon the hill

"Alfie: The Christmas Tree"
(spoken)
Did you ever hear the story of the Christmas Tree
Who just didn't want to change the show
He liked living in the woods and playing with squirrels
He liked icicles and snow.
He liked wolves and eagles and grizzly bears
And critters and creatures that crawled
Why bugs were some of his very best friends
Spiders and ants and all.
Now that's not to say that he ever looked down
On the vision of twinkling lights
Or on mirrored bubbles and peppermint canes
And a thousand other delights
And he often had dreams of tiny reindeer
And a jolly old man and a sleigh full of toys
And presents and wonderful things
And the story of Christmas Day
Oh, Alfie believed in Christmas all right
He was full of Christmas cheer
All of each and every day
And all throughout the year
To him it was more than a special time
Much more than a special day
It was more than a beautiful story
It was a special kind of way
You see, some folks have never heard a jingle bell ring
And they've never heard of Santa Claus
They've never heard the story of the son of God
And that made Alfie pause.
Did that mean that they'd never know of peace on earth
Or the brotherhood of man
Or know how to love, or know how to give
If they can't...no one can.
You see, life is a very special kind of thing
Not just for a chosen few
But for each and every living breathing thing
Not just me and you
So in your Christmas prayers this year
Alfie asked me if I'd ask you
Say a prayer for the wind, and the water, and the wood
And those who live there, too.

"It's In Every One of Us"
It's In Every one of us to be Wise
Find your heart,
Open up both your eyes.
We can all know everything
Without ever knowing why
It's in every one of us, by and by

It's In Every one of us to be Wise
Find your heart, Open up both your eyes.
We can all know everything
Without ever knowing why
It's in every one of us, by and by
By and by.

"John Denver and The Muppets, A Christmas Together"

If God invited us all to a table and told us to put our problems on the table before us and look at everyone's problems, we'd take our own and go home

In the weeks leading up to Thanksgiving I found myself dreading the inevitable question. What are you thankful for? It's not that I don't have things to be thankful for. I think it is just that I had to take a long hard look at my life.

With the cluster fuck that is my extended family these days I didn't think I could be thankful for family. But I think about the people that have welcomed us into their homes over the last couple of weeks and years when my own family choose to turn their backs on us. I realized that blood doesn't necessarily mean family.

I am thankful for friends. I am thankful for those that bother to give two shits. Difficult times are guaranteed to reveal to you one thing...who your real friends are. It is difficult knowing there are those that know I am back home and going through some hard times and haven't bothered to pick up the damn phone. But there are a few that I can count on when it matters.

I am thankful for my health. Even though there are times I look at myself in the mirror and hate what I see physically, I could be suffering from a rare form of cancer like my aunt's sister. But I am not.

And I am thankful for my sister. Without her sometimes I don't know what I would do. Without knowing it she gives me purpose.

The rollercoaster that is life...

Woke up this morning and didn't feel worse then I did last night but definitely not better. Managed to get up the energy to go run my errands. I leave walmart and am waiting at the light to get on the highway to go to Napa Auto when mom calls. Turns out she got hit by some idiot 19 year old in a mercedes in my dads car. I literally fly home to tell dad and get the registration out of his wallet and then book it to Garwood (not exactly around the corner) to check on her. Car isn't totalled but I had to rehang the bumper with rope tied to the back seat headrest. Mom is OK but it looks like she reinjured her left shoulder which possibly means more PT. It's just on top of everything else mom is more depressed and we all just want a freakin break from reality already!

Less than a week till I am 3 decades old. It doesn't seem like it. I guess it hasn't hit me yet.

Despite what I thought he would do dad e-mailed SUNY Plattsburgh this morning. Actually at this point it might as well be yesterday morning. They informed him they are still doing on campus interviews. WTF?? Five weeks ago he was told a decision would be made by Thanksgiving. Here we are two days from Thanksgiving and they are telling him they are still interviewing. I mean it is good to know that he is still in the running and I am grateful for the somewhat good news but come on already!!

Anyway, I am laying in my bed right now. It is 2:50 in the morning. I am sick which is great. I started to feel a little off late Sunday night and woke up Monday morning feeling like garbage. I am hoping it is just a mild cold that my parents bounced around for about a month and not something worse. I will just keep popping the zicam and hope for the best.

It looks to be a busy few days. Tuesday I have to run to the store, possibly help put a window in and pack up some stuff to take to my sisters. Wednesday I have to work on my car to get ready for the trip, pack some more and help dad if we don't get to the window Tuesday and the weather holds out. Thursday I will pack the car, we are going to dinner at my aunt's sisters house and I will head to Newport from there. I anticipate leaving between 9 and 10 and getting to Newport somewhere between 2 and 3 in the morning. It's not as bad as it sounds. I am a night person anyway and prefer to drive long distances at night when the roads are empty. It will give me some time to think about stuff and reflect on things and talk out loud without someone saying "what did you say". It's weird but I think things through better when I can talk to myself out loud instead of talking to myself in my head.

After this weekend I get to turn my attention toward Christmas and New Year's. I really hope I can find something to do on New Year's Eve. I am sure I will be invited to the Greco's but as much as I love the Greco's I don't enjoy going to their house for get togethers as much as I did. Its probably because now that I am back home I am with my parents every waking minute and the thought of going to a get together with them makes me want to drink myself stupid just a little bit. At the Greco's, no one is my age. They are either ten years younger then me or in their forties and beyond. I really want to find something to do with friends and people my own age. Otherwise I may just sit at home and watch movies by myself. Ok, that was a tad more depressing then I wanted it to be.

Anyway, it's after 3 and I am starting to fall asleep on my keyboard. Here is hoping I sleep well and wake up feeling a little better then I do now.